Out on the streets, the traffic starts jumpin’/The folks like me on the job from 9 to 5

After the longest period of unemployment and non-activity that I’ve experienced since my freshman year of high school (about five weeks!), I started working on Monday.

I started at my first (and prior to Monday, only) job at a local software company in the networking department (we made mortgage banking software! ask me how!) as a spazzy, earnest, rising-sophomore. I was working just shy of 40 hours a week and was given some stuff to do, and then some more stuff, and then more stuff, and inexplicably, people liked me. Seriously, they had no reason to, because I was aloof and quiet. Actually, then it was just shyness. NOW, I am aloof and evil and bitter and sit quietly fuming, but I digress.

It was initially just a summer position, but they (by which I mean my boss-dude) asked me if I wanted to work during school for a few hours a week. As I had no social life at the time (and still don’t!), I said yes. Also, I wanted the dollarz.

I got to do some interesting shit, which was probably only interesting to me. Nobody else had the patience or weirdly innate ability to just get this stuff or something? Mostly, I just clicked some buttons and move the mouse around and shit apparently happened in the right way. It wasn’t terribly stimulating, but like, it looks fucking good on a resume.

After a paycheck of $22 after taxes and finally getting my drivers license, I started extending my hours past five (this was during school, when I’d go in at three and not work Fridays) because seriously, $22 isn’t even enough for a week’s worth of cigarettes and that was two weeks’ pay (I did not smoke then, but enjoy using it as a reference point for currency—like in jail!).

The company was going through an acquisition, expansion, and new project (a new version of the software built entirely from the ground up using .NET from Microsoft! Thrilling!) when I started. Because the IT department consisted of my boss-dude, me, and a guy that only still works there because he’s been there forever despite being Methusala-slow and incompetent, they added more people to the department. Which was a pain and headache for everyone that had to deal with him. Also, he smelled, so I called him Stinky.

We expanded more, and added another dude. He was chubby, so I called him Fatso. Also, he had skin tags and was going through a terrible divorce, just like my boss-dude. I can’t even begin to count the number of times I was told to avoid women because they are evil that summer. Hah! Clearly, these people had never actually looked at me because really, I totally don’t look like the type that would have woman trouble unless maybe I was getting mugged by one.

At some point, I went away to school and expected to never look back. I ended up working there at Christmas because I had established a Parliament habit. Then again at spring break because I had developed a fondness for vodka. Then again over the summer because I was lazy and couldn’t be bothered to find an internship somewhere decent, probably partially influenced by the vodka. The process repeated during my next Winter and Spring breaks (for more vodka and then a brief forray into skiing).

While I was away, some Teutonic shit happened with the power balance. Stinky was fired and replaced by Fred (because I really can’t remember his name, and he looked like a Fred), boss-dude was faux-promoted and replaced by Fatso. Fatso didn’t know how to handle the responsibility and Boss-dude got pissy and increasingly bitter after his divorce. Boss-dude and Fatso often clashed impressively, and Fred got scared and resigned. I sat at my table snickering while intently refreshing my email and Gawker, waiting for the day to end because my absences had significantly decreased the amount of work they gave me.

Also, Fatso and the incompetent one started to get upset that Boss-dude had been giving me all of the interesting things to do, mainly because when he gave them the same projects, they would spend two weeks hem hawing about them only to report that it couldn’t be done. I would have the same project done in two hours.

So I was bored, and decided that I could never go back.

******

Now I’m sitting here at my fancy new job, and aside from the actual desk (and bulletin board!) and slightly different faces on the exact same personalities, I would never have known that I left. I’ve spent the past three days frantically checking my email (and organizing and tagging them!), constantly refreshing Gawker, and silently cringing at the same terrible jokes and predictable office banter.

Also, the actual work that I will allegedly be doing that I’m ostensibly being trained for? I did the exact same thing last summer, except to slightly more precious music and surrounded by fewer (read: no) earnest, enthusiastic youngsters.

At least I’m getting paid more for doing nothing!  However, I do miss lurking around the building after five.