RULES FOR TEXTING THE OPPOSITE SEX
My recent text messages have been ‘Buck Wild’ in ways that have caused me to reevaluate my own overt (often desperate) texting etiquette. I’ve searched my soul (OK, the Interwebs) to give me some much needed guidelines to folllow when texting the opposite sex. Remember that memorable scene in the movie ‘Swingers’ when Trent and Sue are counseling recently single Mike about how long to wait to call a girl who’s number he recently scored. The conclusion is that 3 days is good but 6 is ‘MONEY’. How quaint. In the last 14 years things have gotten considerably more complicated: texting, emailing, IMing, Facebook/MySpace messaging, Twitter and on and on.
This post will concentrate on a very common issue for both men and women: How to court by text. There are three stylistic rules that you MUST follow, particularly at the very beginning. I don’t know where these rules came from, I don’t claim authorship, but it’s become the RULES OF TEXTING that MUST be followed. The origin probably lies deep in the tubes of the Internet.
The 3 Rules of Text Courting
1. No capital letters: Capital letters imply effort, you want to convey a certain confident aloofness, not desperate neediness. This is ironic because most phones automatically capitalize the first word of a sentence so texting with no capital letters actually takesmore effort. But these are the rules and they MUST be followed.
2. No punctuation: Same principle as above applies. You are too busy and cool to punctuate. The combination of no capital letters and and no punctuation has the additional benefit of being slightly disorienting. Reading your text is to unravel a puzzle. You are a mystery. This is good. If you use an emoticon or an exclamation point or - and I shudder at the thought - multiple contiguous exclamation points, you are disqualified.
3. No questions: This may prove difficult at first but not asking questions accomplishes several things: it avoids coming off as desperate, it leaves your options open to text again even if you get a no-response and most importantly it protects the your fragile ego. If you don’t ask questions you won’t get a no. Yes at some point you will probably have to ask a question but phrase it as a suggestion: ’We should go out again’ rather than ‘Would you like to go out again?’
Oh Jesus Christ, you want to convey a certain confident aloofness. I capitalize and punctuate because I’m pedantic (and punctuation allows you to determine the breaks and pauses in your message). And if this person that I’m texting has met me, I’m sure they have absolutely no doubt about my aloofness.
I take the barrage approach followed by a “Fuck you, you asshole.” Then I smirk and blow smoke in their general direction if I encounter them (when I don’t take circuitous routes out of avoidance).
Some could maybe consider that the reason I’m alone; instead, it’s because I kind of hate everybody. (!!)
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